The Detox Diaries: Radiance Program

Lucinda Pitt

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

If you haven’t done so already, it’s time to abandon those opaques, relocate your waist and do battle with a bikini. Action is essential; there is only so much a spray tan can do. By Lucinda Pitt.

The prod
Like a motivational missive direct from the big health spa in the sky, an offer to trial a 14-day detox program appears in the inbox. The sender: shiny-haired, white-eyed, and annoyingly radiant naturopath Saimaa Khan of Bondi health spa The Last Resort. Her new Radiance Program is designed for busy, toxic types to prod your body’s natural detoxification system up a notch, helping along digestive troubles, skin complaints, nixing sugar cravings, and upping energy levels in the process.

Put very simply: you abandon all the things you love like sugar, caffeine, alcohol, red meat, gluten and preservatives in favour of organic vegetables, supplements (omega-rich oils, acidophilus, plant-sourced fibre and phytonutrients), about four litres of chlorophyll-charged water, and a positive, proactive approach to life and living in the now. And then there is…

The other prod
A key part of The Radiance Program is colon hydrotherapy. Loved by the celebrity set, denigrated by thousands of mainstream doctors, water is pumped into your bottom – via a fine hose – and up into your colon to help move accumulated waste and toxins on their merry way.

Colonic evangelists rave about the reputed effects – a flat stomach, brighter skin and eyes, a natural high – but for me, the thought of being probed by a stranger and pumped full of water has always quashed any curiosity pretty quickly.

However, The Radiance Program prescribes a colonic on days one, five, and 10 and there’s no escaping – or bum-numbing drugs allowed. Petrified pre-colonic, I fired off a panicky email to Khan asking whether I could pop a Valium prior. She never replied...and I then found myself horizontal and pantless, clutching a modesty towel and hoping for the best.

Despite a very thorough and comforting pre-amble, you don’t really know how you’ll go until the tap’s turned on. It can be a little uncomfortable at first but I became a convert by the third, whereas a friend (who, take note, drinks carbonated mineral water daily) sweated through cramps and real discomfort.

It all depends on the state of your gut. Hard-learned lesson: when your session is done, take your time on the loo. Really take your time; what goes in, must come out. I had a close call after colonic No.1. Think Charlotte in Mexico in the SATC movie. Almost. Lucky I can run in heels.